A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line
The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of
practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often
neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are
intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper
type of relationship between singer and conductor.
1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a
pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and
vice-versa.
2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting,
crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is
under pressure.
3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.
4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression
you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal
favour.
5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from
birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.
6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in
tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at
the time.
7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy
marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that
you don't have the music.
9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is
written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the
pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination
tone.
11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always
sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.
12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least
bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of
individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most
difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference,
making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their
similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath
about the "subtleties of inflection".
13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the
piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is
this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase,
stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage
just before the concert.
15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that
others will become restless and start to fidget.
Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on
you, where it belongs!
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