This was forwarded to me by a friend. Good stuff.
----- Original Message -----
From the 9/26 edition of "The Onion":
NEW YORK Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient
creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for
more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against
humans killing each other Monday.
"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so
for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face
betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the
fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I
want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm
really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not
want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in
really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to
understand."
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name
has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill
in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."
"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person
tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I
don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here
it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever
again."
The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely
intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of long-standing policy, He
has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine
will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars.
Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His
ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of
faith. His decision to Manifest on the material plane was motivated by
the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11
violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential
ramifications around the globe.
"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so
you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said
God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim
traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after
putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the
tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"
"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know,
somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill
this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God
continued. "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will'
equals 'Don't murder people.'"
Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are
justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.
"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God
said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it My
bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents
have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the
material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My
head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets
into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It
absolutely drives Me up the wall."
God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as
"wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11
attacks rare exceptions.
"This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but
vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good
reason," God said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy
ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous
actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of
Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700
club."
Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful,
Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But,
no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy war
crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks
Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of
pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain."
God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic
extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides
his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world
religions.
"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same
mistake since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the
Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody
massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the
Hard-line, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And
the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the
other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands
on since the Crusades."
Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see?
What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions
out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the
basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism,
Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they
all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that
hard a concept to grasp."
"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need
religion or God as an excuse to kill each otheryou've been doing that
without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The
whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of
behavior. How obvious can you get?"
"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to
a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against
it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill
each other anymoreever! I'm fucking serious!"
Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the
podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders
began to shake, and He wept.
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