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From:  "Cynthia Donnell" <csdonnell@m...>
Date:  Thu Apr 20, 2000  4:29 am
Subject:  OFF: Humor- How to cook a conductor

Dear list,
I thought that you might enjoy a chuckle at the expense of conductors. 
Cheers,
Cindy Donnell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to Cook a Conductor

Ingredients
One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yoghurt
One abused Orchestra

First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate
the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on
permanent
loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard.
Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your
conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have
such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the
Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the
body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony
Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding
the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor
between two large cymbals.

Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in
the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some
Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and
the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the
Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor
may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your
Conductor
with the Crisco using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every
inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun,
you can
cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.

Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will
hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud
passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots
and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate).
Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and
winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing
at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your
Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the
second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your
repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece
with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the
original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you
and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this
score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn
the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.

When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your
Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it)
until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of
the fat
has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up
tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts
and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until
smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your
Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted
yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas,
such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture,
and
extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other
hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for
Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be
limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated
in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever."
Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the
extremities,
delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.
emusic.com